Make plans. But don't marry them.

notes from a recovering control enthusiast

WAGO is a continuing conversation about learning, becoming, and building a coherent life.

Hello,

A fellow writer, Daniel Puzzo, in this recent Profile, wrote something that has stuck with me: “By all means, make plans,” he said, “but don’t stick to them.”

That’s the kind of advice that would have given me hives back in my 20s. Come to think of it, it would have still given me the hives in my 40s!

Photo by Yuriy Vertikov

I’m a planner to the core. I don’t know where I’d end up if I didn’t have a list. In the much-maligned MBTI type, I’m an INTJ... and my J is off the charts.

Flexibility is a must, yes. But in my desire to impose order in my corner of the universe, I’ve learned even flexibility can be planned. I even learned how to plan for serendipity. Like, you know, on a well-itemized vacation itinerary, there’s an open afternoon or two for “surprise discovery”. Loose as ever.

But in the last few years, I’ve noticed a slight easing up on this mad grip at control (or attempt at control).

It wasn’t until I saw Daniel’s words that I realized what was happening. I’m learning how not to be so dependent on “the plan”. In fact, there have been times lately when I even dared to venture out without a plan. The younger me would have groaned.

• • •

Make a plan, but don’t feel like you must stick to it.

Because you know what they say about plans anyway. It goes to pieces the moment it hits reality. (Or Mike Tyson’s version if you prefer: “Everyone has a plan until they get punched in the mouth.”) And you’ll only end up pulling your hair out if you insist on sticking to your plan at that point. I have lost many lumps doing this.

Life has a way of pulling the rug from under us every so often, if only as a reminder that we’re never in control. Not truly. We can sure try. But the Universe will simply laugh at our attempts.

The younger me would have smirked at that, what I just wrote there. Would have said, “Watch me”. Because the younger me was so naive and so idealistic and so full of “I can take on the world” kind of energy. I don’t honestly know where she got it from.

But living in the real world all these decades has toned down much of that energy. Certainly, I’ve not become jaded or cynical. Just more pragmatic. More realistic. More humble about my ability to control my world, that’s for sure. And thank goodness for that, too.

• • •

Make plans, but don’t feel like you have to stick to them.

And don’t throw a tantrum and complain when your plans don’t — can’t — work. Because why waste energy on that?

A couple of years ago, I ran into Will Bowen’s 21-Day No Complaints Challenge, and I have to tell you, his book and doing that challenge changed me. It rewired my brain — like, I can literally now feel a complaint bubbling up, like in slow mo, you know, so that I’m able to stop it — and I believe I’m a better person as a result. I certainly like myself better.

Complaining doesn’t help at all, and you end up looking like this guy throwing a tantrum when things don’t go according to plan. One never looks good doing that.

I so admire people who can simply go with the flow, you know? Adjust their sails quickly and catch wherever the wind is blowing. So much easier on the nerves. And you look so much better doing it. I’m not there yet completely, but I have certainly made great strides in that direction. Letting go of control (or the idea of it) isn’t easy.

• • •

What I’m coming around to, I think, is that the real problem isn’t that plans fail. It’s my emotional insistence that they shouldn’t! Fool’s errand, I know.

And that’s when Epictetus would walk in and calmly remind me: “Some things are up to us, and some things are not.” He won’t tell me not to plan, but he’d remind me not to stake my peace on the outcomes.

Maybe making plans is still my thing. But sticking to them at all costs? That part was never up to me.

🏷 Living Well

💬 last word

Released in January 1971 and inspired by the real-life experience of Gaye’s brother, who returned from Vietnam with a much different outlook on life, this song asked what was happening in America. (Source)

I imagine loads of us are asking the same question often these days.

“We’ve got to find a way
to bring some understanding here today…”

All my best,
Lou Blaser

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Lou Blaser writes about learning, becoming, and figuring out how to build a coherent life. She also curates and maintains The Filtered, a digital library for reading, learning, and thinking better.