I managed to stop complaining!

No. 110: Insights from 21 consecutive gripe-free days

My dear reader friend,

Earlier this year, I came across Will Bowen’s book, A Complaint-Free World, which inspired me to take on an improbable challenge.

The goal was to get to 21 consecutive days without complaining. The basic rule was simple: Keep counting to 21 days, but once you complain, you have to reset the clock and start over on Day 1.

Bowen gave ample warnings in the book: Completing the challenge would take months, and it wasn’t going to be easy. And he was right; it wasn’t!

Made this with DALL-E

I officially started the challenge on April 8th. Initially, it felt like I was going to be stuck on Day 1 forever. I’d make some progress, but something would happen, and I’d be back to square one. My days looked like this: Day 1, Day 2, Day 1, Day 2, Day 1, Day 1, Day 1.

But little by little, I got better at it, and I found myself getting to Day 7 or Day 8 before I’d falter and have to start over. I remember the first time I reached Day 14, only to miss my mark and have to go back to Day 1. That was a frustrating day; I wanted to cry.

But I did it! I finished the challenge last week; it took me just under 4 months to get to Day 21. 💃

As you can imagine, doing a challenge of any kind always leads to much self-discovery and learning of lessons. Here are some that I gained during this experience.

1. It helps to think about the kind of person you want to be, especially during challenging situations.

There is an idea of the kind of person I’d like to be during a difficult conversation, a frustrating moment, or a challenging experience. The kind of person I know I’d be proud of when I look at myself in the mirror later, at three in the morning, and say, “You did well there kiddo.”

And that person isn’t whiny or bitchy, or yelling, or passive-aggressive, or fuming (quietly or loudly). That person is calm and composed, breathing evenly (!), and in control of herself. Quite Stoic, actually. I’m not saying this is what every person’s ideal should be. I’m just saying this is mine.

Keeping this ideal person in mind helped me tunnel out of situations where I might have otherwise given in to copious complaining and whining. It was as if I didn’t want to let that person down by behaving in ways she wouldn’t be proud of.

2. Ask, “Does this really matter?” and you’ll see that very few things really do.

In the beginning, I had to remind myself to ask this question, if not to forestall a griping spell, at least to shorten it. Every time I considered it, I concluded it was a waste of energy to huff and puff about something that wouldn’t really matter in the grand scheme.

Over the course of the challenge, asking the question has become more of a habit; no reminder is required. It gets triggered the moment I feel the hint of a gripe rising and almost always prevents the eruption.

3. Understand and accept what you can and cannot control.

Most of the time, my frustration and complaints come from unmet expectations. I expect the line at the grocery store to move faster than this! I expect my questions to be answered completely and not have to follow up. I expect to be seen by the dentist promptly and according to my scheduled appointment.

Now, I may not state it this way — they do sound awfully overbearing, don’t they? But deep within the recesses of my brain, where no one can hear them, are these expectations that, when unmet, result in the spewing of seemingly rational complaints.

I find that tempering my expectations helps. But more importantly, I can reduce the gritting of teeth when I can genuinely distinguish between what I can and cannot control in any given situation. I can only do my best about the things I can control. And almost always, the only things I can control are those actions that are truly mine — what I think, how I behave, how I respond.

Complaining about things I cannot control results in wasted breath and energy. And why would I want to do that?

4. Breathe. Not huff, not sigh. Breathe.

Before reacting to any stimuli is a tiny beat — an infinitesimal second when you can pause. And what you do during this magical tiny bubble of time is crucial.

I find the most consequential thing I could do is to breathe. Just breathe. Not huff or sigh. Definitely not hold my breath. Breathe as evenly as I possibly can. Count to 10 (or 100) if need be. But most of the time, just even breathing works. We are in control of ourselves when we breathe.

5. “Learn what is to be taken seriously and laugh at the rest.” — Herman Hesse

I came across this quote a while back, but it ended up holding a special place in my mind while I was doing the 21-day challenge.

Much like the question on what truly matters, I find that there are very few things in life that need to be taken so seriously. Very few are truly worth the frown, the consternation, or the number of complaints one can spew energetically. Also, it’s so much easier to simply laugh at things. It feels so much lighter in our hearts, and honestly, we look so much better laughing than whining.

• • • 

All this is not to say I’ve been cured of all complaining and shall never again be consumed with whiny thoughts. I only wish! What’s happened, though, is that it’s no longer my default reaction to frustrating situations. I’ve found an alternative default mode that feels much better!

🏷 Health & Well-Being

💭 muse

“The next time you find yourself in the middle of a freakout, or moaning and groaning with flulike symptoms, or crying tears of regret, just ask: Is this actually making me feel better? Is this actually relieving any of the symptoms I wish were gone?” — Ryan Holiday, The Daily Stoic

🚪 the backstage

I had the awesome opportunity to chat with best-selling author and book coach Jen Louden on the podcast. We had a wide-ranging conversation about answering that calling and writing our first book.

You can listen to the complete interview or read the highlights here.

🍹 reader shout-out

Big shout-out to WAGO reader

Catherine H Palmer

who writes the Substack publication, Amid Life. She writes about self-discovery and new beginnings for resilient, rebellious, reinventing women (just like herself)! Do check her out!

💬 last word

I know everybody says it, but I seriously cannot believe it’s August already. I took an unexpected “detour” in the last two months, and hence, I felt even more shocked when I finally looked up and realized where we are in the year.

But side trips and detours are important too, I think. And sometimes, they may even be “what the doctor orders.”

How’s your summer shaping up so far?

Here’s to an easeful week ahead.

Cheers,
Lou Blaser