Your article this morning reminds me of a story my sister used to tell. She was an elementary art teacher. "That's a beautiful dog, Johnny." "That's not a dog, That's the pond at my Grandpa's farm." After that, she started asking instead of telling. From the minute kids step into schools in the US until they leave, we set expectations for them. It's called outcome-based education. It takes a lot to undo some of the things we learn as children. Enjoyed your post, Lou.
Hi Jan. Thank you for sharing that story — "asking instead of telling" — I'm going to take note of that myself. This thing with expectations is such a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it's good to set expectations for ourselves. On the other, UGH! I want to know or chat with someone who's learned to figuring out how to balance it!
This is pretty simplistic and may not help you at all, but often when teaching about stress to high school & college students, we draw a line on the board and put reality and expectations on the two different ends of the line -- the cause of a lot of worry, stress, discomfort. The farther away these two things, the bigger the gap --the greater the stress and lack of balance. The closer they are the easier it is to balance them. How to change this? Either work harder or lower the expectations. Just something to think about. xoxo
Lou, I love how you found a balanced place of wanting to feel more lightness around outcomes. I think this is the key. It's not about wishing for an outcome as much as how strongly we hold onto it. I'm pretty sure there's some secret desired outcome in Kleon's advice to focus on the verb when creating. Like, if you focus on the verb, some magical outcome will happen. I know for myself, I want my writing to be read. I'm not writing for myself, but to serve others. If it's not read, I might as well do something else. But like you, I don't want to hold tightly to the outcome.
Hi Sandra. I'm sure there's a Buddha teaching that's helpful here! For myself, as a student of Stoicism, I'm reminding myself often of one of its pillars. Focus on what you can control, Lou! It's VERY hard work for me (due to years of corporate conditioning), but I'm learning to loosen my grip on desired outcomes. Cheers!
Great article, Lou. And it reminds me of a question I frequently ask a reader who thinks they're too old to (fill in the blank). I ask, "Is it the journey or the destination that's most important/exciting/interesting to you?" Another way of looking at the verb instead of the noun. Blue💙
I spend a lot of time these days, working through the concept of 'two things at once' with clients. The scattered moment of external validation is lovely. But we lose big the moment we start to count on it. As the Tao Te Ching says, (loosely) "there is no up without down." We right here because we are encouraged when people see it. We 'want' to make a difference and there is 0 shame in that. But if we can find that child-like 'flow' where we are lit up while doing it, where process meets purpose, I'd argue there is no more beautiful state to find. Great post, Lou. Thank you!
I really appreciate how you framed it, Mark. External validation is lovely, but we lose when we start to count on it. When it becomes the motivator for the doing. A girlfriend reminds me, external validation is "just icing - it's not the cake". Cheers!
Outcome matters; what shouldn’t matter is external validation. I have been unlearning a lot ever since my graduation from a corporate job, the need for validation is such a big one!
same! I think corporate life has trained us really well to look for validation and pats on the back and when we leave that world, it's such a rude awakening! Cheers, Yi!
Love this post so much! Honestly, I'd keep writing in my journal, even if it's based on a prompt by someone and I get to keep the answer to myself. I also love making paper models/fold origami and I know that they're for fun and not anyone else.
Your article this morning reminds me of a story my sister used to tell. She was an elementary art teacher. "That's a beautiful dog, Johnny." "That's not a dog, That's the pond at my Grandpa's farm." After that, she started asking instead of telling. From the minute kids step into schools in the US until they leave, we set expectations for them. It's called outcome-based education. It takes a lot to undo some of the things we learn as children. Enjoyed your post, Lou.
Hi Jan. Thank you for sharing that story — "asking instead of telling" — I'm going to take note of that myself. This thing with expectations is such a double-edged sword. On the one hand, it's good to set expectations for ourselves. On the other, UGH! I want to know or chat with someone who's learned to figuring out how to balance it!
This is pretty simplistic and may not help you at all, but often when teaching about stress to high school & college students, we draw a line on the board and put reality and expectations on the two different ends of the line -- the cause of a lot of worry, stress, discomfort. The farther away these two things, the bigger the gap --the greater the stress and lack of balance. The closer they are the easier it is to balance them. How to change this? Either work harder or lower the expectations. Just something to think about. xoxo
I really appreciate this, Jan! Thank you.
Lou, I love how you found a balanced place of wanting to feel more lightness around outcomes. I think this is the key. It's not about wishing for an outcome as much as how strongly we hold onto it. I'm pretty sure there's some secret desired outcome in Kleon's advice to focus on the verb when creating. Like, if you focus on the verb, some magical outcome will happen. I know for myself, I want my writing to be read. I'm not writing for myself, but to serve others. If it's not read, I might as well do something else. But like you, I don't want to hold tightly to the outcome.
Hi Sandra. I'm sure there's a Buddha teaching that's helpful here! For myself, as a student of Stoicism, I'm reminding myself often of one of its pillars. Focus on what you can control, Lou! It's VERY hard work for me (due to years of corporate conditioning), but I'm learning to loosen my grip on desired outcomes. Cheers!
Great article, Lou. And it reminds me of a question I frequently ask a reader who thinks they're too old to (fill in the blank). I ask, "Is it the journey or the destination that's most important/exciting/interesting to you?" Another way of looking at the verb instead of the noun. Blue💙
I spend a lot of time these days, working through the concept of 'two things at once' with clients. The scattered moment of external validation is lovely. But we lose big the moment we start to count on it. As the Tao Te Ching says, (loosely) "there is no up without down." We right here because we are encouraged when people see it. We 'want' to make a difference and there is 0 shame in that. But if we can find that child-like 'flow' where we are lit up while doing it, where process meets purpose, I'd argue there is no more beautiful state to find. Great post, Lou. Thank you!
I really appreciate how you framed it, Mark. External validation is lovely, but we lose when we start to count on it. When it becomes the motivator for the doing. A girlfriend reminds me, external validation is "just icing - it's not the cake". Cheers!
That’s a great way to put it, Lou. I may have to ‘borrow’ that!
Outcome matters; what shouldn’t matter is external validation. I have been unlearning a lot ever since my graduation from a corporate job, the need for validation is such a big one!
same! I think corporate life has trained us really well to look for validation and pats on the back and when we leave that world, it's such a rude awakening! Cheers, Yi!
Love this post so much! Honestly, I'd keep writing in my journal, even if it's based on a prompt by someone and I get to keep the answer to myself. I also love making paper models/fold origami and I know that they're for fun and not anyone else.
I love these activities that are for no one else but ourselves. Cheers, Sarah!
More and more I wonder if I’m doing things to validation or just because I want to and/or need to. Thanks for this, Lou!
It takes a beat, in the middle of all the creation bustle, to catch ourselves and ask the question, right? Glad this resonated with you, my dear! 🤗
I really loved this. I want to embrace more of this- creating just for me, not to be seen, just for the act of it, the experience.
Happy this landed for you, Liza. Creating for the joy of it — what a revolutionary idea, right? 😉 Cheers!
Lovely post. A good reminder that I write to release and that is enough ♡
That is, indeed, enough. Cheers, Tanya!