"The 25-year-old me would be surprised I still feel 25 on the inside."
In Profile: Cathy Jacob
In Profile is a monthly segment of We’re All Getting Older, a newsletter exploring how we live joyful and meaningful lives so we can die happy.
, the writer behind The Slow Sip, has been married to the same guy for 43 years, and most importantly, they still enjoy hanging out together. Their family has expanded from two sons to include now, a daughter-in-law and two grandchildren. Cathy says being a grandparent has been a profound gift.
“It is so much easier than parenting - the ultimate do-over, with a fraction of the work and twice the fun. They are teaching me how to experience wonder and awe in the everyday things.”
When she’s not working, Cathy is reading, golfing, curling, or hanging out on playgrounds with the grandkids. She says she participates in one extreme sport: teaching 5-year-olds how to curl.
“If you are unfamiliar with curling – think bowling on ice with 50-pound stones. Except when I do it with five-year-olds, their little bodies are the bowling balls rolling and sliding all over the ice, and I’m the bowling pin.”
Cathy resides in Halifax, Nova Scotia, Canada. (I am quite jealous of her writing perch, with the breathtaking view of the Halifax Harbour on the east coast of Canada.)
IN WHICH GENERATION DO YOU BELONG?
Boomer: 1946 - 1954
DO YOU WORK? IF SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?
Since I could hold a pencil, my first love has been writing. And in the early part of my career, I earned my living writing in some way or another. As time went on, however, I spent less time writing and more time leading and consulting in the business world.
I was 65 years old when my business partners and I sold our business (Fire Inside Leadership), so it might have made sense to retire at that point. But instead, I decided to launch something new. Enter Substack and The Slow Sip.
These days I maintain a very small (by choice) one-on-one coaching practice, and spend most of my time writing. The Slow Sip is a labor of love. It brings together a bunch of my favorite things: my life-long passion for writing, the practical tools and practices I've developed through coaching, my nerdy fascination with the mind, how we create our own suffering and get in our own way, a little humor, and the opportunity to engage with readers and potentially have a positive impact on their lives.
At the heart of The Slow Sip, my readers and I explore two questions: One, in the words of the poet Mary Oliver: “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” and two, “How can you learn to enjoy the ride?”
WHAT WOULD THE 25-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF YOU THINK OF YOU TODAY? HOW ARE YOU MOST DIFFERENT FROM HER?
Here’s my best guess.
She’d be relieved that her choice of life partner turned out to be the best possible choice, considering that she threw up on her wedding day fretting about that.
She’d be surprised by some of the strange adventures I got up to: planting beach grass among the wild horses on Sable Island, trekking in Nepal, joining some coaching colleagues to deliver a leadership development summer camp to teen girls in LA’s foster care system and, of course, teaching 5-year-olds how to curl.
She’d be surprised at how many career do-overs I managed while continuing to earn a reasonable income.
She'd be mystified that I still haven't retired.
She’d be surprised at how disciplined I’ve become about writing every day. Conversely, she’d be disappointed and exasperated that I still haven’t written “the book.” The one thing she told me at 25 was, “If you turn 60 and you still haven’t published your first book, I will never forgive you.” Oops.
She might be a little disappointed at how little I actually have figured out at the age of 68.
She’d be surprised that I still feel 25 on the inside.
I procrastinate much less today and do a better job of taking care of myself than I did at 25. I’m also not as hard on myself. I have negotiated a truce with the critical voices in my head. We've even become friends of a sort. I am generally much happier with my life and that has nothing to do with what I’ve achieved or how my circumstances have changed and everything to do with how much more at ease I am with it all.
WHAT HAS NOT CHANGED ABOUT YOU?
I can think of a few things. My sense of humor. My fascination with how humans work and life’s deeper questions. How I still want to be a writer when I grow up.
GOOD OR BAD, WHAT ABOUT MIDLIFE HAS SURPRISED YOU SO FAR?
At 68, midlife is pretty much in the rearview mirror. So now I get to reflect on the full experience. I can honestly say that midlife was the most meaningful, creative, courageous, sometimes grief-stricken and heartbreaking, and most transformative period of my life. (This was a surprise.) For all of its juiciness, messiness, precariousness, and uncertainty, it was a great ride, and I am grateful for all of it.
WHAT ONE HABIT ARE YOU ACTIVELY WORKING ON THESE DAYS?
I am a habit and ritual geek. So, my morning ritual is ridiculous. It takes about 90 minutes and includes yoga, meditation, and journaling. I also have a daily writing habit that has been a game-changer. I'm a walking experiment in tinkering with habits and practices to improve my health and experience. I once calculated that if I practiced all the daily habits I wanted to, my daily ritual would be about eight hours long!
So here is a new one I’m working on that takes only seconds. I call it the “first thought” habit. It's a form of gratitude practice, I guess. I noticed that I had gotten in the habit of starting my day with a groan. So I decided to try to have my first thought upon waking up be, “Thank you for this new day.” As I get older, I realize that a new day is not a given.
The thing is, it’s pretty challenging to build a first-thought habit. The trick is remembering, as soon as you wake up, that that is what you want to do. So, it’s a work in progress.
For example, this morning, it went something like this:
First thought. “Why does everything hurt?”
Second thought. “What do I have to do today?”
Third thought: “It’s a gym day, ugh. But everything hurts….”
Followed by a string of whining thoughts and questions about whether things hurt enough to cancel the gym session.
Twentieth thought: “Oh, right. Thank you for this new day. I’m alive. I’m still breathing. Life is good.”
WHAT COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU HEAR THE PHRASE ‘FULFILLING LIFE’. HOW HAS YOUR PERSPECTIVE ABOUT THIS CHANGED AS YOU GOT OLDER?
When I was younger, a fulfilling life was something to be pursued. It was all about getting somewhere better and becoming the best version of myself. At the time, this perspective was useful, inspiring even. The problem was that much of it was grounded in a sense of dissatisfaction with who I was.
Now, it’s more about learning to love this version of myself and my life. I have always sucked at being present, hence my daily meditation practice. I am chronically future-focused. I find this gets tricky as I get older, and the future becomes shorter and, well, less attractive. So these days, fulfillment is about appreciating and savoring the gift of my life, spending as much time as possible doing what I love or what really matters, and being okay with the rest.
WHAT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED ABOUT THESE DAYS?
I’m excited (in a kind of, oh my god, this is really happening way) to see how I navigate this elderhood stage of my life. To enjoy some new adventures with my husband, Ralph. To watch my grandchildren grow and develop. To see what The Slow Sip becomes and how it evolves. To finally write — and publish — the book!
IF YOU COULD GIVE SOME WORDS OF WISDOM TO SOMEONE 20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU, WHAT MIGHT IT BE?
Twenty years ago, I was 48 and in the thick of a messy midlife transformation. I'd say, “Embrace the mess and uncertainty and try to enjoy the ride.”
I think it was Ken Wilber who talked about how our life's work is about growing up and waking up. Enjoying the ride requires both. It asks us to be fully present and open to our experience as it is unfolding (this is much more challenging than it sounds.) while at the same time staying curious and open to change. (Also challenging.)
AND THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION: WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER/BAND GROWING UP?
This was the hardest question! I went through many stages and had very eclectic tastes. But I’ll lean to my more introverted, quiet, and lyrical side and go with Simon and Garfunkel.
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Awesome, rockin', swingin', self-actualizin' story there, Cathy. And glad u included Art Garfunkel, so people won't overlook the early years; as I just read recently that Paul Simon considers Graceland his best album.
Thank you Lou for your wise supportive Substack for us Oldsters, and Cathy Jacob for her growing older in life, life advice. As far as writing your first book, Cathy, you seem very close to doing that. I turned 73 this year in May and self-published my first novel I'd been working on at the end of September. How? No. 1, I wrote about what I cared most deeply about. No. 2, I finally stopped worrying too much about what to write. Just asked myself to ponder what that might be at its convenience and let me know what it might be, also at its convenience. No. 3, someone I met asked to read the first 35 pages of my book. Finding a cool person to read the first pages made all the difference in the world. So, wishing you all the best in everything, and especially in writing your first book.