96. Are you gratefully-challenged?
tips + an experiment for those who find it tough to stay in the spirit (AKA: me)
☕️ the main thing
It’d be pretty safe to assume we all want to be in a state of gratitude. Why wouldn’t we?
We should try by all means to be as grateful as possible. For gratitude is a good thing for ourselves. [...] I feel grateful, not because it profits me, but because it pleases me. — Seneca to his friend, Lucilius, in Letters From a Stoic
To paraphrase Seneca there, gratitude is good for us. You know, there’s actually science supporting that gratitude is great for our well-being. But even if we didn’t know that, I think we’d still intuitively know it’s a good thing. We’d rather be grateful than not.
How to be in a state of gratitude is the question.
Judging by the amount of material there is out there addressing this question — I’m talking books, articles, podcasts, journals, YouTube videos, tweets, what have you — it’s pretty clear that:
(a) people do want to get into a state of gratitude and
(b) we seem to be having a hard time doing so.
“When individuals join my community, 75% say that gratitude does not work for them or that they're not worthy of gratitude. If that doesn't break your heart, I don't know what does.” — Holly Bertone, host of Gratitude is Fortitude
The baby step approach is to list 1-3 things you’re grateful for every day.
You know this. It’s a common suggestion to get a gratitude practice started. Many journals have this built into their suggested daily routines, the Five Minute Gratitude Journal being one of the popular ones.
If you’ve ever tried this and found it impossible to sustain, don’t feel bad about yourself. You’re not an ingrate — or at least, not necessarily. 😉 Best-selling author and gratitude coach Holly Bertone told me that this practice of listing things doesn’t work for everybody.
“It's a great idea in theory, but what happens is that it becomes a To-Do list, a time to check the box. I'm grateful for my spouse. I'm grateful for my house. I'm grateful for my dog. I'm grateful for my job. Check, check, check. Next.”
To avoid it becoming a check-the-box activity, we have to move our gratitude practice to the next level.
The magic happens when we are able to move from doing a gratitude practice to being grateful. In effect, being the kind of person who IS grateful.
Being in a state of gratitude means we’re always looking for the good in things, a “habitual focusing on and appreciating the positive aspects of life.” (Source)
Which, I’ll admit, is way easier to do when things are going well. But what do we do when things aren’t going our way? What’s the “positive” when you’re going through real problems?
Shane Parish, author of Clear Thinking and an altogether brilliant guy who I’ve been reading for years, has this to say about that:
“We need to redefine problems into opportunities. Problems are an opportunity to create value. Problems are an opportunity to strengthen relationships. Problems are an opportunity to differentiate yourself from others. Every problem is an opportunity in disguise.”
I’ve gotten better at this, but there’s always room for improvement.
Gaining a state of gratitude has been one of my focus areas since I left corporate America. This isn’t to say that corporate life prevented me from being grateful! I’m just saying this is something I’ve been working on personally since.
I do start my day with the list practice, which has helped me focus on the positive aspects of life. I also TRY to practice this thing called “difficult gratitude,” where I deliberately look for something in a difficult situation for which to be grateful. (For example, let’s say I’m stuck in massive traffic. I look for something about the traffic jam that I can be thankful for. I might say, “I’m grateful for this extra time because I get to finish listening to this podcast episode.”) This I’ve done with varying degrees of success and still find myself throwing my fist in the air at times and crying, “AARGH! There is nothing here to be thankful for!”
Taking it to the next level and experimenting.
But I’m not giving up. So, on that note, I’m doing an experiment starting Monday, March 25th. For a whole week, I will refrain from complaining. For seven days, “No complaints” will be my mantra — no matter what’s happening. If I’m so moved, I may even say, “Grateful for it all.” But that would be a bonus.
I don’t consider myself a massive complainer, but I’m certainly not above it. So, I’m thinking this is no gimme. (As I’m writing this, there’s some loud banging going on outside my window, and of course, I’m complaining about it in my head.)
Anyhow, I’ll be doing this 7-day experiment and will report back on the results in the Sunday issue that comes out on April 7th. Eeek. All bets accepted. 😂
Do you want to join me?
💭 muse
“Gratitude is not only the greatest of virtues but the parent of all others.” —Marcus Tullius Cicero
👤 a midlifer in profile
Mary Beth Simon says the 25-year-old version of her would be surprised by her healthy lifestyle. Although she didn’t grow up in an environment that emphasized those, she has adopted healthy elements and kept building on those through the years. Since she retired, she’s become a certified Les Mills BodyBalance instructor and things just kept getting better for her!
🍹 reader shout-out
A huge shout-out to WAGO reader Yvonne Marchese, age agitator, author, and founder of The Age Agitators Club. This community brings together women committed to busting through their Midlife Funk to inspire, support, share our stories, and reimagine what’s possible as we grow older. Learn more about The Age Agitators Club.
💬 last word
If you’d like to join me in this “No-Complaints” challenge, be sure to let me know in the comments section! Or hit ‘reply’ if you want to keep it between us.😉
In the meantime, here’s to an easeful week ahead.
Cool Beans,
Lou Blaser
P.S. When you’re ready, I can help you plan your next chapter with a 1:1 Clarity call. Check out the details here, and let’s get to it.
I’m grateful for the consistent thoughtfulness and honesty in your emails!
I am with you Lou! For whatever reason(s), it has been increasingly difficult to be grateful even when we have so much to be grateful for. Whenever I want to be intentional about gratitude, it quickly becomes yet another "to-do" list item and feels somewhat "cheesy".
"The magic happens when we are able to move from doing a gratitude practice to being grateful." I think you have nailed it - being grateful is not something to do but to be.