"Don't spend another minute with someone who can't love you well."

In Profile: Trevy Thomas

In Profile is a bi-weekly segment of We’re All Getting Older, a newsletter focused on exploring how we live vibrant meaningful lives so we can die happy.

When Trevy Thomas became a widow, she learned how to operate a riding mower (“ended up in a ditch and had to be pulled out”), and a weed trimmer (“never again”), drive a big-ass truck to get rid of trash, and how to measure and sell wood in board feet.

Trevy has since re-married (for 10 years now) to a widower she met online. “It was a long, harrowing experience for me and a piece of cake for him.” Never say never!

Previously a court reporter, Trevy now writes Our Hundred Years, her column on Substack, and paints. She lives in Fredericksburg, Virginia, USA.

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IN WHICH GENERATION DO YOU BELONG?

Gen Jones: 1955 - 1964

DO YOU WORK? IF SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

I write a weekly column at Substack called “Our Hundred Years.” It covers all the life topics we experience in our short mortal lives, often through personal stories.

WHAT WOULD THE 25-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF YOU THINK OF YOU TODAY? HOW ARE YOU MOST DIFFERENT FROM HER?

“What have you done to your hair? Why are you eating ramen? How did you get to be so lucky in love?” (We are most different in that last department as the young me put up with a lot of bad, non-loving behavior in relationships. Those days are long gone, thankfully.)

WHAT HAS NOT CHANGED ABOUT YOU?

Needing time and space to myself. The difference now is I actually permit it.

GOOD OR BAD, WHAT ABOUT YOUR STAGE IN LIFE HAS SURPRISED YOU SO FAR?

I'm surprised to feel a lack of enthusiasm for the things that once brought me great joy. It seems to have left along with the novelty. Maybe once we know a thing well, it becomes ordinary.

Oddly, love is the opposite. The ordinariness of its everyday existence comes with a quiet good. And once it's ripped away — as I know from experience — I realized how absolutely unordinary that everyday goodness is.

But being able to buy what I want, travel where I wish, host parties, drink like a fish, get wrapped up in a friend's problems — I just don't need those anymore.

WHAT ONE HABIT ARE YOU ACTIVELY WORKING ON THESE DAYS?

Not eating anything unless I'm actually hungry. Using food as pleasure is no different from using alcohol, or cigarettes, or gambling, or sex as a way to mentally and emotionally escape. It doesn't matter how good my control is over it; I don't want any substance or activity using me.

WHAT COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU HEAR THE PHRASE ‘FULFILLING LIFE’. HOW HAS YOUR PERSPECTIVE ABOUT THIS CHANGED AS YOU GOT OLDER?

Finding the balance between activity and stillness. Leaving room for whatever I might want to do in that moment rather than filling my day with activities leftover from the previous day or a previous lifestyle. When I was young, I wanted everything I thought I'd never have — a good marriage, a business of my own, a writing life, financial security. I've had all of them by now, and what I want is less stuff, more downtime.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED ABOUT THESE DAYS?

A potential full-time move back to town life, away from the serenity of the countryside I now live in. I'm also really scared that I'll regret leaving the wild and privacy of being in the woods. But it seems to be happening!

IF YOU COULD GIVE SOME WORDS OF WISDOM TO SOMEONE 20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU, WHAT MIGHT IT BE?

Don't spend another minute with someone who can't love you well.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION: WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER/BAND GROWING UP?

So many! The one who stuck with me over several eras, though, is probably Sade.

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