The Quitters Club: Is this actually my change to make?

Inspired by the book The Quitters Club — about the difference between changes we can make on our own and those that require someone else to change with us

Four women, life-long friends, decided to quit something they no longer want in their lives, and made a pact to support each other (and call out the BS) through the process. That was the premise of the book, The Quitters Club. And I’m in. Obviously.

I mean, who wouldn’t want that, right? I seriously could have used a club like that years ago when I quit my career.

So, the book was, let’s just say… okay.¹ I did one of those turn-your-life-upside-down operations — like what the characters in the book were doing — and I know they’re not the simplest things to execute. I just feel the book made things a little too tidy. Complications resolved too evenly for my taste.

But no matter. This isn’t a book review because we don’t do book reviews in Shaping Life. 😉 We’re interested in what caught our attention and why that thing didn’t want to leave us alone.

And for me, that thing turned out to be Marie.

• • •

Marie was one of the four friends in the quitters club. And just like her friends, something in her life wasn’t working anymore. She needed for that thing to change, stat. But unlike her friends, the thing she wanted changed wasn’t completely hers to change.

So much of what she wanted to happen depended on Kyle, the husband. Marie needed him to do things differently, needed him to change himself, even — and that wasn’t something he signed up for.

Marie was the one that caught my attention because she was like a flashing red light. A reminder that not all change is equal.

Some changes belong almost entirely to us. Quit smoking. Leave a job. Eat healthier. Whether we succeed or not depends largely on what we’re willing to do.

But a lot of other changes don’t work that way.

Repairing a marriage requires two people. Being forgiven requires someone else’s willingness to forgive. Wanting a friend to reconnect. Hoping a child calls more often.

Those aren’t really solo projects. They need at least one other person to be in the same boat with us, wanting to rock the boat, or at least change the status quo, like we do.

• • • 

I started wondering how often I fail to make that distinction. How often I approach these shared changes as solo projects. Thinking that if I can put my head down and work very hard at it, what I want will eventually happen.

Make a plan. Apply yourself to the goal. Expect progress = effort expended.

Works beautifully for quitting sugar or learning French. But breaks down entirely when another person’s involved. Because at that point, no amount of my determination can supply someone else's willingness.

I can bring honesty. Patience. Effort. Persistence. But I can't do the other person's part for them. And yet, you know, I’m not sure I remember that before I start making plans.

• • • 

The more I thought about it, the more examples I found in my life outside of one-on-one relationships. Wanting more readers for this project. Sharing an idea and hoping other people buy into it. Wanting people to get along better and create less drama.

All reasonable things to want but they’re not projects I can complete on my own.

I can write the best essay I’m capable of writing. I can show up consistently. I can keep learning my craft. But readers decide whether they stay.

I can have difficult conversations with kindness and honesty. But I can’t decide how the other person responds. That’s their part of the project.

No wonder I get so frustrated sometimes. I keep expecting results that weren’t mine to produce.

• • •

The thing was, Marie didn’t really want to quit her marriage. What she wanted was for things inside it to change. More specifically, she wanted Kyle to be a different kind of husband. Talk about a recipe for frustration and disappointment. So much of her happiness hinged on someone else making a different choice. There she was stewing and waiting for something she couldn’t make happen.

I’ve done this too, no doubt about it. I have mistaken a shared project for one I thought I could somehow finish if I just wanted it badly enough.

Is that optimism? Delusion? Probably a little of both.

But thinking about Marie left me with a different kind of question than the one I usually ask. Instead of asking, “How do I make this happen?”, perhaps I should first ask, “Is this actually my change to make?” I’m not sure I’ve asked that question often enough.

✴️ I’d love to hear from you:

Have you ever mistaken a shared project for a solo one? What happened?

Talk soon,
lou blaser

1. It got rave reviews though. So, what do I know? Good thing, I’m not doing a book review.

Lou Blaser exchanged PowerPoint decks for essays and has yet to regret the trade. She writes Shaping Life, where she follows her curiosity through books, conversations, films, and whatever else refuses to leave her alone.

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