77. The Bittersweet In Letting Go
It is a kindness to ourselves to acknowledge that part rather than shoving it under the rug, brushing ourselves up, and quickly putting on a brave face.
You know, those times when you feel happy and sad at the same time?
Like that time when you hugged and said “So Long” to your best mates in college as you went off to start your brave new career. Or that time after you finished helping your young adult kid set up her college dorm room and saw how excited and ready she was for her next chapter. Or when you turned for one last look at the now-empty house after the boxes had been loaded away and the truck sat outside waiting for you to begin somewhere new.
It’s that jumble of emotions — hope and sadness and joy and fear and longing and expectation and happiness and tears — that sometimes, we don’t know what to do with, right?
That combination of feelings as we leave behind old paths and take off for new tracks… Bittersweet.
“Bittersweet”: a tendency to states of longing, poignancy, and sorrow; an acute awareness of passing time; and a curiously piercing joy at the beauty of the world. The bittersweet is also about the recognition that light and dark, birth and death—bitter and sweet—are forever paired. “Days of honey, days of onion,” as an Arabic proverb puts it.”
— Susan Cain, Bittersweet
We’re used to this. Or are we?
Welcoming the new while bidding others adieu isn’t unique to midlife. We’ve been doing that all our lives.
But, I don’t know… Do you find, as I do, that in midlife, these events seem to take on a different meaning, a more serious tone, a deeper significance?
Our kids grow up and spread their wings. Our parents get old and leave us behind. We outgrow certain relationships and create space for new ones. We pivot away from long-held careers to start fresh, fumbling and figuring things out along the way. Old beliefs are shunned in favor of more empowering ones to embrace. We let go of long-held expectations, and we welcome fresh ideas.
One reason I love October is that it’s nature’s reminder that change can be beautiful.
Change — both instigated or imposed — involves letting go of something. A habit, a point-of-view, a person in our lives, a thing we once held dear. And this letting go can be cathartic, therapeutic, and freeing. In midlife, I find it’s wonderfully beneficial to master letting go with ease and grace.
But I did want to acknowledge the emotions that accompany the process, in that liminal period between the ending of one thing and the beginning of another… even when letting go is desired and welcomed.
That point of relaxing our grip and releasing our hold can be a melee of emotions: a sense of loss even as we’re happy to let go, a questioning of who we are becoming as we embrace the opportunities, the fluttering in our belly with the tightness in our chest.
There is a flip side to the excitement of starting a new chapter.
There are almost always feelings that come with an ending… whether that’s nostalgia, sadness, or wistful longing. I believe that even in the loudest “good riddance” of cases, there is the tiniest sense of loss for what was or what could have been.
I think perhaps it is a kindness to ourselves to acknowledge that part rather than shoving it under the rug, brushing ourselves up, and quickly putting on a brave face.
There’s a trick to the graceful exit. It begins with the vision to recognize when a job, a life stage, a relationship is over – and to let go. It means leaving what’s over without denying its value. — Ellen Goodman
SPONSOR
Today’s issue is sponsored by The Age Agitators Club. Founded and hosted by age agitator Yvonne Marchese, this community brings together women committed to busting through their Midlife Funk to inspire, cheer each other on, share our stories, and reimagine what’s possible as they grow older and support each other as they rock their next chapters. Find out more and join The Age Agitators Club and continue to make waves as you age.
🔗 building on this
What It Takes to Let Go and Start Over. A fresh start isn’t just about starting over. It’s also about letting go of something we had or held on to for a while.
How to Learn To Let Go of What You Can’t Control. “Almost everything in my life that I’ve had to let go of has scratch marks on it.” Do you find it hard to let go so that it feels like you’re holding on tight and longer such they leave claw marks?
How to End a Friendship. “We don’t need to think badly of someone to have outgrown them. We can even love a person and for a range of reasons never want to see them again.”
📖 a fine read
Bittersweet: How Sorrow and Longing Make Us Whole
by Susan Cain
Cain shows how a bittersweet state of mind is the quiet force that helps us transcend our personal and collective pain, whether from a death or breakup, addiction or illness. If we don’t acknowledge our own heartache, she says, we can end up inflicting it on others via abuse, domination, or neglect. But if we realize that all humans know—or will know—loss and suffering, we can turn toward one another.
📣 hear hear
“There will come a time when you believe everything is finished; that will be the beginning.” — Louis L’Amour
Thank you so much. This was a gift to read.