"My free time is more valuable to me than money."

In Profile: Lani V. Cox

In Profile is a monthly segment of We’re All Getting Older, a newsletter focused on exploring how we live vibrantly meaningful lives so we can die happy.

Lani V. Cox

is one of my favorite writers on Substack. She’s got a way with words that always makes me smile. Read for yourself:

“I was born in the Year of the Ox. My sun sign is Taurus, my moon sign is Libra, my rising sign is Virgo, and according to the Mayan calendar, I was born on the day known as Blue Crystal Monkey. Naturally, I have claimed that Gmail account.”

See what I mean? I can only dream of introducing myself that way! 😊

An American who has been living in developing countries since 2009, Lani loves to read and write, with one giant weakness: a bag of chips. “Otherwise, I can exercise control and some dignity.”

She writes No Girl Is An Island and currently resides in Siem Reap, Cambodia.

IN WHICH GENERATION DO YOU BELONG?

Gen X: 1965 - 1980

DO YOU WORK? IF SO, WHAT DO YOU DO?

Currently, I’m an English as a Foreign Language Teacher at a language school. I’ve also been a Waldorf teacher in the US and taught third grade at an international school in Thailand. Language schools, though, have been my bread and vegan butter because I prefer working part-time. In other words, my free time is more valuable to me than money.

WHAT WOULD THE 25-YEAR-OLD VERSION OF YOU THINK OF YOU TODAY? HOW ARE YOU MOST DIFFERENT FROM HER?

My 25-year-old self would have been relatively fresh from college with a degree in Anthropology/Archaeology but getting ready to pivot out of fieldwork and labs by taking on what I thought was going to be a temporary job as an office manager at a children’s summer adventure camp. Instead, this turned out to be a permanent career change because it was here I decided I wanted to pursue teaching.

I think the biggest surprise my younger self would see is that I decided not to have any children, let alone three, which I once thought was a good number. As a 51-year-old, 25 feels like a lifetime ago. I’m not the same person; I was immature, naive, and crass. Strangely enough, dealing with a tragedy at a young age made me headstrong but a bit of a buffoon and smart ass.

WHAT HAS NOT CHANGED ABOUT YOU?

See: headstrong, buffoon, and smart ass.

GOOD OR BAD, WHAT ABOUT YOUR STAGE IN LIFE HAS SURPRISED YOU SO FAR?

Whoever coined the term Fabulous Fifties was spot on, and I did not expect that. I’m in that sweet spot between “I don’t give a shit” and “confident.” Your 30s are when you will never look better. We peak physically because we have some maturity on us, which is attractive, along with the blessings of youth still hanging around. But your 40s are when you start to grapple with your aging appearance, body, and all that midlife crap, especially after 45. There’s a choice between accepting your wrinkles or fighting it with fancy creams or Botox, and I chose the former. But to be clear, I’ve been working on personal development since my 20s, so I’ve put in the time and effort to be content with who I am at this moment.

WHAT ONE HABIT ARE YOU ACTIVELY WORKING ON THESE DAYS?

At work, I have to take a flight of stairs, and depending on what floor I’m teaching, it can be four or five. The other day, I watched a young, attractive, petite woman huff and puff her way up. I don’t ever want to be her, so while I’m good at daily walking and yoga, I don’t get as much cardio as I need. This year, I got back on the mini-trampoline, and we bought a weighted hula hoop. Because I do strongly believe that your wealth is in your health and that movement is medicine. I'm not going gently into the dark night.

WHAT COMES TO MIND WHEN YOU HEAR THE PHRASE ‘FULFILLING LIFE’. HOW HAS YOUR PERSPECTIVE ABOUT THIS CHANGED AS YOU GOT OLDER?

Everyone not only wants a fulfilling life, they want to tell you how to do it. Ironically, I believe a fulfilling life is one free of wants or desires. This doesn’t mean you can’t have them, but it does mean you have to be content with the here and now. That’s why billionaires are never happy; they always want more.

When you’re younger, you’ve got this timeline in your head about how your life is supposed to unfold, and when it doesn’t pan out that way, we panic, thrash about, and sink into deep sorrow. I’ve learned to drop all that like it’s hot. I’ve learned to really hone in on my values and understand how much they affect all of us. Expectations are like restrictions because you have this particular idea in your head of how life’s supposed to be, and these can prevent you from achieving a fulfilling life.

WHAT ARE YOU MOST EXCITED ABOUT THESE DAYS?

I’m excited to visit my mom, do some traveling with my husband, and get my memoir out here on Substack. Making connections through reading and writing has been a beautiful blessing, and I hope to continue.

IF YOU COULD GIVE SOME WORDS OF WISDOM TO SOMEONE 20 YEARS YOUNGER THAN YOU, WHAT MIGHT IT BE?

It’s the advice I’d like to give myself — RELAX.

AND THE MOST IMPORTANT QUESTION: WHO WAS YOUR FAVORITE SINGER/BAND GROWING UP?

I really did love the ‘80s and rock music, but I had a particular fondness for Alan Parsons Project’s Ammonia Avenue. I gravitated towards its orange (in a sea of standard black or occasional white) cassette case, and listened to it so much I had to buy another one after wearing it out. APP was a British progressive rock band (which I did not know), but I think they represent my natural attraction to all things British and that which is a little different.

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