58. When Feeling Grateful Is Difficult

It may have to do with how you're trying to get to it, rather than actually feeling ungrateful.

☕️ the main thing

Good ideas sometimes tip into over-hyped territory.

A word is uttered over and over, so much so that everybody assumes the meaning is universally understood. But is it, really?

One benefit of being around long enough is that we’re often ballsy enough 😊 to inject the practical (wisdom?!?): “Wait, what do we actually mean by that?”

I have a few words on that list. And I try to explore those words here, and on the podcast every now and again. (Optimize and maximize were two on the list that I recently wrote about.)

Today, it’s a word that practically everybody on the planet will agree is good: Gratitude

We ought to be grateful. Shouldn’t we?

We ought to have a gratitude practice. Right?

What do we usually consider a “gratitude practice”?

The most often recommended “starter” practice is to list 3 things you’re grateful for. First thing in the morning or at bedtime.

I’ll fess up and say I’ve tried this tactic countless times. I’ve never been able to stick with it. This practice has always felt superficial to me. Which, in turn, makes me feel very bad about myself.

How could I not be sincerely grateful?!? I must be a bad person!

A conversation with the host of the Gratitude Builds Fortitude podcast, Holly Bertone, helped me understand that this list-3-things practice doesn’t work for everyone. And that gratitude is less a matter of listing things we’re grateful for, and more about actually feeling grateful

After that chat (see What’s Playing segment below), I felt a lot better about myself, TBH.

I may not be listing 3 things, but I have been feeling and acting grateful, which at the end of the day, is the key, I’m taking.

Are others better at this, though?

There are some studies that suggest gratitude is naturally easier for some than others. Something about our right inferior temporal cortex, and/or our genes.

So, yes, for some of us, we need to apply a little more elbow grease. We need to be a little bit more deliberate and intentional about it because this state of being may not be in our nature.

The fact that something is easier said than done doesn’t mean it’s impossible.

So how do we get to a state of gratitude?

According to Dr. Robert Emmons, the world’s leading scientific expert on gratitude, we achieve the state of gratitude in two stages:

• First comes the acknowledgment of goodness in our lives. We say yes to life. We affirm that all in all, life is good and has elements that make it worth living.

• Second is recognizing that sources of this goodness lie outside ourselves. We recognize the goodness in our lives and who — and what — to thank for it.

Perhaps the list-3-things practice helps us see the goodness outside ourselves (the second stage) so that we can get to the first stage and acknowledge that, all in all, life is good — even when we’re having a bad day or have hit a difficult patch in life.

The disconnect happens, I think when we stop at the listing of things. When this practice becomes another task on the checklist of things we’re supposed to do.

Gratitude is both a state of being and a trait.

Lilian Jans-Berken and her fellow researchers published an updated review on the connection of gratitude to human health.

In this paper, they posit that gratitude is both a state and a trait.

As a state of being, we experience the emotions of being grateful for our blessings or when someone expresses gratitude for something we’ve done.

As a trait, gratitude is one of the virtues and is considered a character strength that can be made stronger through awareness and practice. As a trait, we practice gratitude as part of who we are.

Character strengths are the positive parts of our personality that make us feel authentic and engaged. They are a core and foundational part of who we are.
Source

BOTTOM LINE

There’s enough research and studies that show how gratitude is beneficial to our overall well-being and is a critical tool in our ability to weather storms in life.

Or perhaps, you want to be in a state of gratefulness simply because that is the kind of person you want to be. It is a virtue that you want to embody.

No matter the impetus, I think gratitude is a formidable arrow in our quiver as we get into the second half of our lives when we will inevitably face huge changes and transitions.

Start with the 3-things-list practice if you must. Just don’t stop there.

🔗 building on this

• “Over the past two decades, scientists have made great strides toward understanding the biological roots of gratitude, the various benefits that accompany gratitude, and the ways that people can cultivate gratitude in their day-to-day lives.” Here’s a summary of the science of gratitude.

• Real talk here. It’s hard to feel grateful for our blessings when we’re focused on what others have that we don’t have. How To Avoid The Envy Trap

• Video: How Gratitude Rewires Your Brain | Christina Costa | TED. When a psych instructor who teaches resilience and well-being got diagnosed with a brain tumor, her training led her beyond the usual “fight” narrative of cancer. Instead, Christina Costa leaned on the science behind how gratitude rewires the brain to help her deal with and live with the brain tumor.

📣 hear hear

"Gratitude is an antidote to negative emotions, a neutralizer of envy, hostility, worry, and irritation. It is savoring; it is not taking things for granted; it is present-oriented." — Sonia Lyubomirsky, author

📖 a fine read

Gratitude
by Oliver Sacks

During the last few months of his life, neurologist Dr. Oliver Sacks wrote a set of essays in which he movingly explored his feelings about completing a life and coming to terms with his own death.

🎙 what’s playing

Gratitude During Times of Uncertainty and Curveballs with Holly Bertone

Holly Bertone, the host of the Gratitude Builds Fortitude podcast, joined me recently to dissect the challenges of keeping a consistent gratitude practice.

I think the most important part of this convo with Holly is the discussion about finding a sense of gratitude, EVEN during times of difficulty and turmoil. Holly, a cancer survivor herself, works with folks who live with chronic and progressive illnesses. And her insights on how to maintain a sense of gratitude during these times are motivational and instructive.

Listen to Ep 201 on your favorite podcast player.

💬 last word

When I realized that I’d legitimately hit midlife, I made one crucial and deliberate decision that made all the difference.

I only recently recognized this decision was/is rooted in gratitude.

What’s your relationship with gratitude? Do you find it easy or challenging?

Here’s to a joyful and easeful week ahead.

Cool Beans,
Lou Blaser