76. We all want to live by our own design. (Easier said than done.)
The execution of the idea is always where the rubber meets the road.
☕️ the main thing
I can't remember when or in what context I first heard it. But the phrase “live by your own design” has always held a certain appeal for me. And now, in midlife, I find the phrase even more compelling. More urgent.
But this isn't a unique sentiment. Who wouldn't want to live by their own design? Especially given the alternative: live by default. Who'd want that?
The challenge isn't so much in developing the desire to live by our own design. But rather how we actually get to do it.
What does the phrase even mean, really?
Simply put, living by our own design means living according to our plans. Our plans, meaning goals and priorities that we've set for ourselves - not by others or by society or by the gods. Living according to such plans means intentionality. Deliberate choices, actions taken matching intentions.
The execution of the idea is always where the rubber meets the road.
It is not a formula for success, not in the conventional sense. It does not mean we are happy all the time. Or that we never make a mistake. Or that we are unwavering in our resolve.
But living by our own design likely means that the times we feel lost in our lives are fewer or less intense. Because we could always find a way through the maze.
Living by our own design also means we don't simply let life happen to us. We don't suffer from a lack of self-agency. We don't feel like victims of circumstances.
We are proactive; not reactive.
“To put it more succinctly: passion is the result of a good life design, not the cause.” — Bill Burnett, Designing Your Life
Okay. I think we can all broadly agree on these parameters.
How do we actually do this?
There's a best-selling book written about designing our lives and building a well-lived life.
And there's no shortage of articles and YouTube videos about living by design.
Lots of gurus out in the interwebs will say to start with a vision. Some will say, start with your purpose. Some will invoke the “find your passion” cry.
What's the simplest path to living by our own design?
I'm not going to quibble with any of these suggestions. I'm just looking to simplify it even further and avoid using words like purpose, passion, and vision that tend to trigger the glazed look when one is asked about them.
In my rabbit holes, I've found two questions that we can ask at any stage of our lives and get pretty close to the heart of the matter:
What do you want more of in your life?
What pain do you want in your life?
Answer those two questions, then make plans that align with your answers.
What do you want more of in your life?
This self-reflection needs little explanation. The only thing I'd say is that you'd want to give yourself time for the question to marinate so you can respond to it fully. Avoid falling for superficial, knee-jerk answers. If you give yourself the space, this one question is enough to change your life. I’ve previously shared how this one question changed the trajectory of my life.
It's not a one-and-done type of question, though. Because what we want in our lives will continue to evolve and shift so long as we're still growing and living. (Just imagine how you might have answered that question 20 years ago versus today.)
Answering this question in midlife and as we get older also requires a level of practicality and pragmatism. But even within whatever constraints we might be living with, there are still true and meaningful answers buried in our hearts.
What pain do you want in your life?
This may sound like an odd question to reflect upon. Why would you want pain?!? But the fact is, every path we choose to take comes with its own set of challenges and obstacles. Choosing one path (versus another) means compromises and letting go of certain things. There are some hurdles we must be willing to take on. (Again, just think back to what you had been willing to suffer through in your younger years to move up in your career.)
Living by our own design will naturally come with stress and pain. What are you willing to take on so that you can live your life by your own design?
“If it’s not actionable, it’s not a problem. It’s a situation, a circumstance, a fact of life. It may be a drag (so to speak), but, like gravity, it’s not a problem that can be solved.” — Bill Burnette
Living by our own design sounds fantastic, but it's not easy.
Like a lot of ideal things in life, this isn't an easy thing to do. As Tom Hanks might say, “If it's easy, everyone would be doing it.”
If it were easy, there wouldn't be books to read and courses to take about how to make it happen.
But I submit that in the second half of our lives, we must at least give it a go. What's the alternative? How empty would life be if we (continued to) live by default?
“Follow your bliss. March to the beat of your own drum. Dance to your own music. Radiate that inner light, irrespective of whether you become the CEO of a Fortune 100 company or an assistant to the assistant scuba diver at your local car wash. You need not achieve some grandiose accomplishment, but make your indelible mark and leave some kind of legacy. Maybe that legacy is kindness. Or that you practiced reciprocity and gratitude. Or that you strived to be the best version of yourself.” — Source
🎙 what’s playing
When You’re Forced to Retire From Your Corporate Career
Roberto Seif didn’t plan on retiring from his corporate career when he was laid off. He thought he’d dust off his resumé and get back on track in his field of specialization (innovation). But a combination of things outside of his control — one of which was COVID — led to him facing huge challenges getting a job in his field of work. In this latest episode, Roberto shares the challenges he faced, including the identity crisis he experienced, and how he finally staved off a forced retirement by playing to his strengths and reinventing his career.
📣 hear hear
“It’s not because things are difficult that we dare not venture. It’s because we dare not venture that they are difficult.” — Seneca
Thanks for the post. Yes I agree:"Choosing one path (versus another) means compromises and letting go of certain things. There are some hurdles we must be willing to take on."