Lou, love the work you are doing here and the continual self-exploration you embrace. It is really inspiring. I enjoy your podcast and am grateful to have been a part of it as well.
I found this essay to be really thought provoking. I tend to be a planner and one who practices intentionality. But your comments on the accidental nature of some changes in our life really struck me. I think you are on to something and I want to explore it more in my own thoughts.
Thanks my friend for your wonderful words. Keep up the great work.
Thanks so much, Matthew — that means a lot. I know you’re someone who walks the intentional path, so I really appreciate you entertaining the idea that some changes sneak in sideways. Curious to see where your own reflections take you. I have a feeling there’s a future post brewing. Cheers! 🤗
As an Atomics Habit junky of yore (even that says a lotnright there...) I dig this kind of reflection. I loved this essay so much I'd like to share an example (thank you for inviting us to do so!) I like also adding in the question, if something changed me, how? That is, what is the evidence of that change? I remember intentionally making up a fairytale story and telling it to myself. It was at a time when I was doing a lot of fairytale psychotherapy work (it's a thing). I was at a work conference and was fed up of having severe sweaty palm anxiety about meeting and talking to strangers or anyone for that matter. Behind the sweaty palmed anxiety was a defensive posture learned long ago by my younger self as a way to keep me psychologically safe. The unhelpful practice was constantly rehearsing and fully playing out potential arguments with people in real life in my head (both rehearsing their imagined threatening comments and rehearsing my defensive comments). The fairytale was something about me being a princess in a castle defended by an army of archers. Those archers 24/7 stood watch on the top of my castle constantly armed to the nth degree so much so that no friendly visitior could even approach without them shooting. That day at that conference I told them to stand down, took away their Red Bull, and sent them to the spa, and (again in my fairytale) as princess now Queen went outside the castle walls to meet and welcome in the visitor for an unrehearsed conversation. That was early 2018. It took some time to stick but I went over that fairytale snippet many times and ultimately my thoughts patterns changed so that I no longer do that rehearsal, or at least not as much. And when I catch myself doing it every now I can Queen up and tell the archers to stand down. My defensive posture in relationships has dropped to an all time low which gives space for the people in meet to just be themselves and for realtionships to grow. As an aside there were two other changes that reinforced this new way of thinking. I got divorced and found a new partner, one who introduced me to the Four Agreements which very much counsels a similar way of being. Thank you for this wonderful gift of reflection today!
This is such a great story, Emily! I had never thought of fairytales as a vehicle for personal transformation, but why not! Sounds like you move through the world in a very different way now, thanks to stepping into your benevolent Queen and telling the archers to stand down. Great!
There’s so much richness in this — thank you for sharing it so vividly, Emily. I love how you’ve turned inner work into a story. Not just reflection, but reimagination. That’s powerful stuff. And it definitely counts as change that didn’t just sneak in — you invited it in with a whole royal procession! 🤗
Good question indeed - mine is 103% cold water swimming. I started in 2019 and it's been an amazing mental health aide and I've met a new community of 50+ like minded souls who I see regularly on the beach.
Lou, I think you've got this right! The biggest thing that changed my life was meeting a spiritual teacher (in good and tumultuous ways). It was completely unexpected. But still, this is a great question for reflection.
Talk about a change that snuck in sideways! Those are the kinds of things that I find fascinating. The unexpected gifts or unexpected detours that led to a surprising destination. Cheers, Sandra!
Lou, I think this is a question everyone in the Three Score and More tribe could answer with one caveat: decisions that impact (improve) our lives are not stand-alone events. Even the life altering Big Decision (divorce comes to mind) rests on many smaller ones that make the final choice not only thinkable, but doable.
It’s a turn on the phrase “death by a million cuts” - it’s Life by a million decisions that significantly changes one’s trajectory.
Totally with you on the million mini-decisions. That’s often where the real shift happens, albeit slowly. I'm also just curious about the changes we didn’t exactly decide. The ones that just happened while we were busy doing something else. Not planned. But quietly life-altering all the same. Cheers!
I agree, Lou, this is a tough question. I think maybe the word “significantly” makes it tougher. It makes you look for something huge. The most monumental improvement in my life was a change I had no say in. The birth of my two grandchildren. On one hand, it is a very common experience for people my age who at one time or other made the life altering decision to have children. On the other, it is life altering in so many ways - the sheer volume of delight it has brought to my life but also the sometimes breathtaking sense of responsibility that in the remaining time I have on this planet, I need to do what I can to protect them and their children and grandchildren. For me it was when the phrase “future generations” became something more tangible and immediate.
I love this, Cathy. Your reflection adds such rich texture to what I was circling around — that some of the things that change us most deeply aren’t ones we orchestrate at all. Thank you for bringing that into the mix. And yes, completely agree about the word “significantly” — it sends the brain hunting for fireworks, when often the shift is more tectonic than showy. Cheers! 🤗
I love your observations, Lou. Life is not always a straight line from A to B, fully informed by our noble intentions. It can be, but I tend to think more often than not it's a winding road and we don't always end up where we thought we'd be, despite our best plans.
I love what you say about your journey in starting a podcast, and how it has impacted and influenced your life these past eight years. Not like that's why you started it! That's very much like what I describe by having a "practice" of some kind (a couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about this topic) -- it's an activity that we're in a long-term relationship with, and that relationship is bound to change us if we're at all open to it.
Love what you're saying about practice, Maia. And whatever activity it is that we engage with for a long time, how could we not think it will change us, right? I remember, when I was working in corporate America and regularly cursed (because it was "normal" in the environment I was in), that the "practice" of cursing, and lacing my conversations with these colorful words, made me a "certain kind of person". I have only realized this after I left that environment, and no longer curse... Cheers, Maia. 🌻
How fascinating is that! (the cursing example) Yes, the things we do or don't do literally shape us. The trick is in having that shaping being a more conscious process.
I didn't want to be obnoxious and drop a link here to my article on practice, but I can if you're interested. I think you'd enjoy it (if you haven't already ready it).
I love the whole idea of better questions. It feels to me like those lead organically to whatever change comes our way. Sometimes we know the questions to ask, and sometimes we stumble on them unexpectedly.
My therapist frames it as "unfolding." And I kind of like that. I picture a flower unfolding its petals ...and it isn't deciding... I'm going to unfold the fourth pedal first, and then the third pedal on the left. It's just unfolding.
(I will have to do further research to find out if the flowers agree with me)
Love that image of the unfolding flower, Leo! It's not deciding; it's just unfolding one petal at a time. Hmmm. There's something so, IDK, peaceful about that. Like we're not struggling or fighting with ourselves... YOU ARE MAKING ME THINK! 😂 Cheers, Leo!
How did I not know you had a podcast? Signing up immediately. This is a wonderful essay, which gave me food for thought and fodder for conversation with my adult son, who is having trouble adulting. Here's what I've changed: I assume best intentions with other people. And, I have made an intentional effort to be kind to my husband. I know that last one sounds simplistic, but it was true that I often was quick to judge or criticize him and slow to do the simple, but kind acts that make a relationship sweeter.
This one stumped me, Lou. I think you're probably right that a lot of things that changed my life for the better weren't intentional. That said--I also want to be intentional so that more things in my life change for the better! And this is where I'm realizing I have some work to do.
Having the courage to take art classes. I’d failed spectacularly at it in high school, but at midlife, I tried again. It was hard but I persisted and now, 20 years later, I’ve shown and sold my work. I’m not famous. I’m not rich. But I’m glad I made the choice because it did significantly change my life. Now, being older, I wonder what to do now.
Wow, Susan. 👏🏼 There’s something so deeply satisfying about giving our younger selves a second go, isn't it? And this time, not grading on outcome but on joy. Whatever comes next, I suspect you’ll meet it with the same paint-splattered courage. Keep me posted. 🧡
Lou, what an honor to be seen✨—and to receive your shout-out today! So cool to hear your thoughts on what I’m creating here on Substack.
The insights I’m sharing have been dancing around in my brain for three decades. For so long, I thought I didn’t know how to share them. Then last year, I was challenged to try—and here we are!
Writing and publishing on Substack is the last big change I’ve made in my life, and it has truly changed me. Just like you describe your podcast—that’s exactly how I feel about The Generational Lens.
I’m genuinely honored by your words and your recognition today. Thank you so much! 🙏 💕
Lou, love the work you are doing here and the continual self-exploration you embrace. It is really inspiring. I enjoy your podcast and am grateful to have been a part of it as well.
I found this essay to be really thought provoking. I tend to be a planner and one who practices intentionality. But your comments on the accidental nature of some changes in our life really struck me. I think you are on to something and I want to explore it more in my own thoughts.
Thanks my friend for your wonderful words. Keep up the great work.
Thanks so much, Matthew — that means a lot. I know you’re someone who walks the intentional path, so I really appreciate you entertaining the idea that some changes sneak in sideways. Curious to see where your own reflections take you. I have a feeling there’s a future post brewing. Cheers! 🤗
As an Atomics Habit junky of yore (even that says a lotnright there...) I dig this kind of reflection. I loved this essay so much I'd like to share an example (thank you for inviting us to do so!) I like also adding in the question, if something changed me, how? That is, what is the evidence of that change? I remember intentionally making up a fairytale story and telling it to myself. It was at a time when I was doing a lot of fairytale psychotherapy work (it's a thing). I was at a work conference and was fed up of having severe sweaty palm anxiety about meeting and talking to strangers or anyone for that matter. Behind the sweaty palmed anxiety was a defensive posture learned long ago by my younger self as a way to keep me psychologically safe. The unhelpful practice was constantly rehearsing and fully playing out potential arguments with people in real life in my head (both rehearsing their imagined threatening comments and rehearsing my defensive comments). The fairytale was something about me being a princess in a castle defended by an army of archers. Those archers 24/7 stood watch on the top of my castle constantly armed to the nth degree so much so that no friendly visitior could even approach without them shooting. That day at that conference I told them to stand down, took away their Red Bull, and sent them to the spa, and (again in my fairytale) as princess now Queen went outside the castle walls to meet and welcome in the visitor for an unrehearsed conversation. That was early 2018. It took some time to stick but I went over that fairytale snippet many times and ultimately my thoughts patterns changed so that I no longer do that rehearsal, or at least not as much. And when I catch myself doing it every now I can Queen up and tell the archers to stand down. My defensive posture in relationships has dropped to an all time low which gives space for the people in meet to just be themselves and for realtionships to grow. As an aside there were two other changes that reinforced this new way of thinking. I got divorced and found a new partner, one who introduced me to the Four Agreements which very much counsels a similar way of being. Thank you for this wonderful gift of reflection today!
This is such a great story, Emily! I had never thought of fairytales as a vehicle for personal transformation, but why not! Sounds like you move through the world in a very different way now, thanks to stepping into your benevolent Queen and telling the archers to stand down. Great!
There’s so much richness in this — thank you for sharing it so vividly, Emily. I love how you’ve turned inner work into a story. Not just reflection, but reimagination. That’s powerful stuff. And it definitely counts as change that didn’t just sneak in — you invited it in with a whole royal procession! 🤗
Good question indeed - mine is 103% cold water swimming. I started in 2019 and it's been an amazing mental health aide and I've met a new community of 50+ like minded souls who I see regularly on the beach.
Way to go JFT! 🙌🏼
Lou, I think you've got this right! The biggest thing that changed my life was meeting a spiritual teacher (in good and tumultuous ways). It was completely unexpected. But still, this is a great question for reflection.
Talk about a change that snuck in sideways! Those are the kinds of things that I find fascinating. The unexpected gifts or unexpected detours that led to a surprising destination. Cheers, Sandra!
I stopped doing things I don’t enjoy.
That’s elite-level life design! I’m still negotiating with my to-do list. 😉
Yeah, the to-do list is still necessary, but I reserve the right to change it anytime I see fit. 🤣
Lou, I think this is a question everyone in the Three Score and More tribe could answer with one caveat: decisions that impact (improve) our lives are not stand-alone events. Even the life altering Big Decision (divorce comes to mind) rests on many smaller ones that make the final choice not only thinkable, but doable.
It’s a turn on the phrase “death by a million cuts” - it’s Life by a million decisions that significantly changes one’s trajectory.
Totally with you on the million mini-decisions. That’s often where the real shift happens, albeit slowly. I'm also just curious about the changes we didn’t exactly decide. The ones that just happened while we were busy doing something else. Not planned. But quietly life-altering all the same. Cheers!
So true. 🥂
I agree, Lou, this is a tough question. I think maybe the word “significantly” makes it tougher. It makes you look for something huge. The most monumental improvement in my life was a change I had no say in. The birth of my two grandchildren. On one hand, it is a very common experience for people my age who at one time or other made the life altering decision to have children. On the other, it is life altering in so many ways - the sheer volume of delight it has brought to my life but also the sometimes breathtaking sense of responsibility that in the remaining time I have on this planet, I need to do what I can to protect them and their children and grandchildren. For me it was when the phrase “future generations” became something more tangible and immediate.
I love this, Cathy. Your reflection adds such rich texture to what I was circling around — that some of the things that change us most deeply aren’t ones we orchestrate at all. Thank you for bringing that into the mix. And yes, completely agree about the word “significantly” — it sends the brain hunting for fireworks, when often the shift is more tectonic than showy. Cheers! 🤗
Such an important question that makes me think about how I spend my time.
so glad this resonated with you Kelly!
What's changed me significantly is accepting the impermanence of life and also my imperfections. Cheers!
Oooh. Definitely a lifelong study for me. Thanks for sharing these, Nancy. 🌻
I love your observations, Lou. Life is not always a straight line from A to B, fully informed by our noble intentions. It can be, but I tend to think more often than not it's a winding road and we don't always end up where we thought we'd be, despite our best plans.
I love what you say about your journey in starting a podcast, and how it has impacted and influenced your life these past eight years. Not like that's why you started it! That's very much like what I describe by having a "practice" of some kind (a couple of weeks ago I wrote a post about this topic) -- it's an activity that we're in a long-term relationship with, and that relationship is bound to change us if we're at all open to it.
Thanks for being here and sharing your stories!
Love what you're saying about practice, Maia. And whatever activity it is that we engage with for a long time, how could we not think it will change us, right? I remember, when I was working in corporate America and regularly cursed (because it was "normal" in the environment I was in), that the "practice" of cursing, and lacing my conversations with these colorful words, made me a "certain kind of person". I have only realized this after I left that environment, and no longer curse... Cheers, Maia. 🌻
How fascinating is that! (the cursing example) Yes, the things we do or don't do literally shape us. The trick is in having that shaping being a more conscious process.
I didn't want to be obnoxious and drop a link here to my article on practice, but I can if you're interested. I think you'd enjoy it (if you haven't already ready it).
I've got it and have it on my stack to read. Thank you!
I love the whole idea of better questions. It feels to me like those lead organically to whatever change comes our way. Sometimes we know the questions to ask, and sometimes we stumble on them unexpectedly.
My therapist frames it as "unfolding." And I kind of like that. I picture a flower unfolding its petals ...and it isn't deciding... I'm going to unfold the fourth pedal first, and then the third pedal on the left. It's just unfolding.
(I will have to do further research to find out if the flowers agree with me)
Love that image of the unfolding flower, Leo! It's not deciding; it's just unfolding one petal at a time. Hmmm. There's something so, IDK, peaceful about that. Like we're not struggling or fighting with ourselves... YOU ARE MAKING ME THINK! 😂 Cheers, Leo!
Smoothies and walks. Every day.
Cheers, Hans! (Raising you a smoothie!)
Thanks! Almost time for a glass of wine, too :)
Have a good weekend.
How did I not know you had a podcast? Signing up immediately. This is a wonderful essay, which gave me food for thought and fodder for conversation with my adult son, who is having trouble adulting. Here's what I've changed: I assume best intentions with other people. And, I have made an intentional effort to be kind to my husband. I know that last one sounds simplistic, but it was true that I often was quick to judge or criticize him and slow to do the simple, but kind acts that make a relationship sweeter.
Oh, that's a beautiful intentional change — assuming best intentions. It changes our entire outlook on life when we start with that thought. 🤗
This one stumped me, Lou. I think you're probably right that a lot of things that changed my life for the better weren't intentional. That said--I also want to be intentional so that more things in my life change for the better! And this is where I'm realizing I have some work to do.
For sure! Being intentional is still the #1 intention (HAH!) 😉 Cheers, Nicole.
Having the courage to take art classes. I’d failed spectacularly at it in high school, but at midlife, I tried again. It was hard but I persisted and now, 20 years later, I’ve shown and sold my work. I’m not famous. I’m not rich. But I’m glad I made the choice because it did significantly change my life. Now, being older, I wonder what to do now.
Wow, Susan. 👏🏼 There’s something so deeply satisfying about giving our younger selves a second go, isn't it? And this time, not grading on outcome but on joy. Whatever comes next, I suspect you’ll meet it with the same paint-splattered courage. Keep me posted. 🧡
Lou, what an honor to be seen✨—and to receive your shout-out today! So cool to hear your thoughts on what I’m creating here on Substack.
The insights I’m sharing have been dancing around in my brain for three decades. For so long, I thought I didn’t know how to share them. Then last year, I was challenged to try—and here we are!
Writing and publishing on Substack is the last big change I’ve made in my life, and it has truly changed me. Just like you describe your podcast—that’s exactly how I feel about The Generational Lens.
I’m genuinely honored by your words and your recognition today. Thank you so much! 🙏 💕
You're so welcome, Mo. Keep going! 🤗