84. Is your December sad too?
Nobody wants to be a Debbie Downer this month.
☕️ the main thing
I can't remember when this started. Perhaps, it's been like this all my life? But somewhere in my late 30s I noticed a pattern that happens for me around the end of the year.
It starts sometime after the (US) Thanksgiving weekend. "It" being this slow sinking feeling, like this inch-by-inch slide from the top of the house to the very bottom, to the basement with the obligatory solitary bulb. Once, when I was reading about Lincoln's melancholy, I thought, "Yeah, that's the word."
Like the fog, this sinking feeling progresses slowly. All month long. By around the Christmas holidays, I've usually made my way quietly, to the basement.
I say 'quietly' because for years and years, this march to the basement during what's supposed to be the happiest month of the year? I did it secretly, masked by merry smiles and joyous everything.
Who wants to be the Debbie Downer when everybody's belting out a Mariah Carey? Who needs to see a sad face during 'Fa la la la la'?
The first time I admitted to it was on the couch at my therapist's sunny office. She told me sadly (or happily?), I'm not alone in this. Lots of other people feel this way, too, for all kinds of reasons. She asked if I could point to any particular experience that might be subconsciously triggering the melancholy. I said that years and years ago, my father was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer on November 27th. He passed away exactly a month later, on December 27th.
Perhaps that's the reason? Perhaps, the mind remembers — even if not consciously called upon — and it releases the chemicals that produce the urge to sink down? I don't know, honestly, because I can't remember when this annual holiday trek to the basement started.
But that conversation with my therapist helped me realize I need not keep it a secret. Which means, perhaps, I need not pretend. At least not all the time. And not to everyone.
Have you ever tried to sound, look, and act happy when you're feeling the exact opposite? Yeah...
So, I gingerly started telling some people about this thing that happens to me in December. Most of the people I tell about it understand, ask for no extended explanation, and simply say, "I'm here for you."
But some, I'm sure, out of concern or desire to be helpful, try to diagnose the why of things, or encourage me to try and be happy (because "That's what Christmas is all about"). One or two say, "It's all in your head."
I've long understood and accepted that not everybody understands these things, these unexplainable bouts that happen for no particular reason. So, I do not argue.
What a lifetime of having these experiences has taught me is to find and hold dear, the people who get it. The people who I can be vulnerable with, and with whom I can share, "It's that time of the year." And they will be there for me without feeling the need to drag me out of the basement. They know and trust that I will not choose to stay down there. That I will get up and walk up the stairs on my own. Soon enough.
They trust that I'll be out in the sun by December 31st, ready to greet the new year with great cheer. No acting required.
Is your December sad too? I understand. I'm here for you.
Today’s issue is sponsored by The Age Agitators Club. Hosted by Yvonne Marchese, this community brings together women committed to busting through their Midlife Funk to inspire, cheer on, share our stories, and reimagine what’s possible as we grow older. Find out more and join The Age Agitators Club and let’s continue to make waves as we age.
🔗 pairings
“Feeling like a sad sack of coal during the holidays is far from unusual.” Yes, It’s OK to be Sad During The Holidays.
“Consider mailing yourself a card or two.” How to Prioritize Self-Care During the Holidays
“Even the quickest conversation could make all the difference.” How To Support a Loved One With Holiday Depression
📖 bookish
This became a best-seller a few years back, and I’m a little late to the party as I often am. I’ve just started reading Wintering by Katherine May. I find myself reaching out for it every time I can squeeze in a few minutes of reading time. I figure I shouldn’t wait until I’m done with it to mention it to you… because why wait when I already know it’s lovely?! It’s a book about resting and retreating and healing and caring for ourselves during difficult times.
🎙 what’s playing
A Conversation About Growth with Yvonne Marchese
What does personal growth look like in midlife or at any age really? Should we be planning for it, or is growth really automatic, just by virtue of being alive? My friend Yvonne Marchese joined me for one of our regular chats that we, oh! so bravely share 😅 with the listeners of our podcasts.
In this episode — which is not a how-to, but really a candid conversation between two midlifer friends who are trying to make sense of our personal growth — we chat about how we grew (if we grew) in 2023, choosing our growth areas, and how we deal with difficult-to-measure growth.
📣 hear hear
“Change something in your routine today, knowing that changing one thing changes everything. ” — Katherine May
Not a downer Lou, glad you shared this and surely you are far from alone. While not holiday specific, I very much resonate with the putting on a happy face when times are feeling anything but — I’ve 100% been there.