83. On Reconnecting Old Ties
The good, the awkward, and the wishful thinking
☕️ the main thing
I suppose one utility of Facebook is that it allows us to reconnect with old friends. Friends long forgotten, from high school or college or previous places of employment. Old neighbors. Old gym partners. Previous partners in bar hopping, cigarette bumming, or whatever other vice one used to indulge in.
I’ve had the occasion to reconnect with such old friendships — the childhood kind — in the last couple of years, as I set about a bi-continental living experience (North America / Asia). The mechanics need calibration, admittedly, but that is the broad strokes of the plan.
In any case, where was I? Oh yeah — old friends. BFFs, as one might caption on Facebook and Instagram.
Are we, though? Best buddies forever? Or even more basic than that: Are we even still friends?
We are not the same people.
Who we are today may have nothing to do — likely have nothing to do — with the person we were in our young adult years. You know, that person who worried about homework, and getting the A, and whether or not our childhood crush knew that we drew hearts around their names and ours in our diaries.
We are not the same people who dreamt the dreams or wished upon the stars. We aren't the same ones who wrote trite quotations on yearbooks that have long been misplaced through countless moving boxes we’ve packed in the intervening years.
Perhaps that is why so many forego the trek back home to attend high school reunions. Seriously, how much do we want to know about what's become of so and so? And how secure are we about ourselves to show them what's become of us?
I felt that way about reunions in my 30s and 40s, and so I came up with excuses or simply ignored that they were occurring somewhere, in some Holiday Inn function room. I didn't even look at the photos when they were eventually shared. I thought if I wasn't willing to attend in person, I shouldn't now lurk in the background.
But something happened when I reached my 50s. Suddenly, this card-carrying introvert was open to showing up. Open to taking the initiative and to reaching out and reconnecting dots that have faded over time. Hooray.
The thing is... to imagine that a few hours of laughter, reminiscing shared craziness of our youth, will reconnect the faded dots... well, that's probably a naive thought. A hopeful sentiment sprinkled with nostalgia and memories and longing for the simpler times and the so-called good old days.
It's a start, but it's not enough.
The truth is we are different people now. We are, at the same time, familiar AND different. We are people who need to encounter each other again for the first time on a new trail, in a new forest.
And perhaps, on this unfamiliar trail, we will meet someone who, in their 50s or 60s, has become this person we'd like to get to know again for real and be friends with today. Wouldn’t that be such a beautiful, wonderful gift?
Or perhaps instead, we will see someone we used to know and have fond memories with and about. But they are of a time and a place.
We need not force the old bonds to reform. We can remain quite fond of them and still let the friendship go without devaluing its meaning. Or, if we're very lucky, we can form a new bond based on the people we are today.
If you’re the kind of midlifer who’s not done growing up 😉 — subscribe to get your weekly meditation on personal growth in midlife.
🔗 pairings
“To be described as 'an old friend' is probably one of the most wonderful compliments. It means you have stood the test of time.” Having said all that I said up top, I still think reconnecting with old friends is a worthy effort. Here’s why. The Importance of Old Friends
“You may wonder whether you’ll have anything to talk about, whether they miss your friendship and want to be friends again, or whether there are any hard feelings.” How to Reconnect With An Old Friend Without Making It Awkward
“We can be deeply glad that a particular person was once at the center of our lives. We might always love them, but we would not be doing them or ourselves justice if we did not also accept that things can and must be allowed to change.” Is It OK to Outgrow Our Friends?
📖 a fine reading
I just finished the latest Robert Galbraith book (the seventh in the Cormoran Strike series), called “The Running Grave”. I think it’s the best in the series, actually, which is tough for me to say because I’ve loved every single Strike book. In any case, if you’re into reading in the mystery genre, I recommend this series by Robert Galbraith (which is, BTW, J.K. Rowling’s pen name).
(A reader friend asked me about my fiction reads, and I don’t really know why I had only limited myself to sharing non-fiction books before. So, here’s giving myself permission to share all readings going forward. 😊)
📣 hear hear
“I believe that when you keep your dreams locked away in inner darkness, they begin to eat away at your soul.” — Mark Levine, Second Acts